Officially Retiring My Blog...

...at least for now. Things in life have really been hard lately and the title of my blog seems to be fitting for what has been going on both last year and especially this year. I think the only reason why I'm even writing about everything now is because it's just become too much and honestly aside from my husband and a friend I have no one else to talk to.

My friend's mom who had the liver transplant in May, sadly passed away on October 20th, she was only 55 years old. Her daughter, was her only child and raised her on her own, it's said in the Quran that mothers are rewarded, well she was a hard working single mother and always did the best she could. I will always remember her out of the box sense of humour.

My pregnancy has had it's ups and downs, my blood pressure has been high and I'm now doing two non stress tests a week on top of weekly doctors appointments. DH brought home swine flu, after going to a doctor he was told it was nothing but a sinus infection, turns out it was a lot more and DD and I both got sick. Thankfully, we both managed to get tamiflu, but it was only given to DD because I am pregnant. Funny how some people just refuse to understand that even though DD was only born 5 weeks early, she was also born underdeveloped due to preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome.

I'm sad to say that my mom is no longer someone I can talk to about serious issues, as disappointing as that is. Nothing is taken seriously and superficial (teenage) comments are made. I think this might be a mid life crisis, maybe something brought on by becoming a grandmother??? I don't know but I am really saddened by this somewhat recent change.

My MIL and FIL were both denied visitor visas to Canada last week, DH and I will be on our own for the birth of the new baby....they were looking forward to seeing Foo and the new baby, especially my MIL, she's still very upset. It makes me so mad that last year the old evil neighbour's mother was able to come to Canada and yet my BIL (who wanted to go to school here and actually learn the language), MIL and FIL (who wanted to learn a bit of english and see their grandchildren) were denied. Again I say, Canada lets in the wrong people!

Unfortunately, DH just found out today that his dad has CLL leukemia...they have known since Ramadan and he just found out from his brother today. He's in shock and hurt that no one told him until now, very understandable. Things are looking unsure right now and with this type of leukemia they can't do anything until his condition gets worse. Maybe it's not a bad thing that they were denied a visa, maybe it is. FIL has plans to go on hajj this year in leau of coming to Canada, but the more I read about this type of cancer, the more it seems like he shouldn't (crowds of people, higher risk of getting bumped and bleeding, higher risk of being around people with a flu, regular of h1n1, all of these are serious risks for someone with CLL leukemia). In the end it's his choice.

I have to focus on my family, because in the end those are (usually) the people who will always be there for you. I came to realize a long time ago the Muslim community is mainly only there when something good is happening ( a wedding, a birth, Eid...etc). My focus is no longer on trying relentlessly to be a part of that community or any other. Thanks to everyone who read this blog and commented, I appreciate it more than words could say.

Ramadan Disapointments

My goals for Ramadan have been extended, I did achieve some of my goals, but not all. I made it to the mosque once, then so many things came up, Foo got a fever and I became too pregnant and tired (I know excuses, excuses). I didn't make it to any halaqas, mainly for the above reasons, but also because it falls on one of my mom's days off, and aren't we supposed to spend Ramadan with family?! (I know more excuses :P). I did go to a few other Islamic events, one being a fundraising dinner in which people made sure to comment on how much I've "popped" just as I'm standing in line at the buffet...thanks I feel like I swallowed a beach ball already. The dinner was a 25$ a person disappointment, being during Ramadan everything was rushed. There was a divider between the men and women, but not one where you could see the speakers or the Imam, but a complete curtain. Needless to say, there were no women talking, just brutish men who talked about the "evil" public schools and how the kafirs are influencing our youth. Blech....I think it's time for Muslims to take responsibility of their own IMO. Then there was the talk on donation and how some guy donated 5000$ to help build a mosque, well mashAllah but the way it was said made it seem like anything less would simply not do. I lost my desire to try and listen above all the noise so I had no problem tuning the rest of it out.

Eid Salat was equally, actually no not equally, it was even more disappointing. DH and I got there 7 minutes late, we missed the prayer. The womens section was overcrowded and I was left with a few other women standing in the kitchen trying to catch the khutba (eid salat was held in a banquet hall). Standing for so long made me nauseous, but no one was about to move and it was our fault for being late. People were talking and I couldn't hear a word, this continued, later I found out that it was a great khutba about how some Muslims are just Muslim out of culture and not out of desire of the religion. Too bad I missed exactly what was being said. After the khutba they did another Eid salat, during the salat kids were running around playing tag, kids walking in front of me with their shoes on (yes kids that were old enough to know better). I couldn't concentrate and all I was thinking about was what's wrong with these kids' parents? I wanted to smack the kid out of my way, or better yet smack the parent for being so lazy as to not teach their kid manners. These aren't the best thoughts to have especially during prayer, so in the end I decided this would be my first and last time attending Eid Salat in Canada. I would like to thank those Muslims for living up to my low low expectations, all I can say is I'm so glad Foo missed this and spent the night at my mom's place. More Ramadan disappointments coming soon......because there have been so many.

Doomed to Another C-Section

So I went to the doctor for my monthly prenatal appointment and we talked about what I in a way already knew, I am going to have another c-section. Ack! I really didn't want another c-section, I don't care about the scar, it's the 1 week of pain and almost 6 weeks of healing that I wanted to avoid. According to the doc this baby is the right size for her gestation, which means inshAllah she'll be bigger and healthier than Foo was and inshAllah will be able to come home right away, unlike Foo. I have no idea how I'm going to properly take care of Foo who will be 16 months by then and a new born baby. My husband will help, but will also have to go to work, my mom is only able to take a limited amount of time off work since she is already using a week of her vacation for a medical procedure. I have a friend who may or may not be in Vancouver, but she is responsible for taking care of her mom that received a liver transplant back in May. I don't think I have anyone else here I could really count on, I remember just telling someone at a mosque picnic that I was pregnant and she said "get to know some sisters so they can help you later on." I don't feel comfortable asking people I barely know for help, most of these people have kids anyways and I honestly don't want a bunch of kids in my home at that time. My husband keeps telling me that his mom wants to come here and she'll help, but he hasn't sent the invitation letter yet and I'm due in about 90 days....actually he hasn't even mentioned the invitation letter in a few weeks. Having a child is something to look forward to, but all I can think about is the pain, not getting any help and the temporary neglect Foo might have to put up with. I'm dreading this part. Ack.

I've Been Awarded :)

Thanks to http://cairolusakaamsterdam.blogspot.com/ who awarded me!!!

Here are the rules as per "Cairo":

The rules of this award are:

•List five current obsessions.

•Pass the award on to five more fabulous blogs.

•On your post of receiving this award, make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them.

•When you post your five winners, make sure you link them as well. Don't forget to let your winners know they won an award from you by leaving a comment on their blog.

Five Current Obsessions:

-Eating, really it's not me it's the babby inside me :)

-Shopping, I feel like I am going to need so much for the new Foo, stupid hormones

-Cleaning (again the hormones)

-Getting out of the house (knowing summer is coming to an end, and the beautiful weather will soon turn, I want to spend everyday outside)

-I love to spoil the Foo, I know it's bad, but she does get her disapline too, when she needs it.

*I'm going to add a sixth :P - Going to England that has been my obsession for years!

Everyone I want to pass this award on to has already been given one (I think) but I pass it on to:

Aynur, Ellen , Candice, Jasmine’s Yard and http://thelongjourneybackhome.blogspot.com/

Foo's Doctor and Immunization Appointments

Foo Bear had her 12 month check up today (a month late) and I was completely shocked when the doctor announced her weight at 18.5 lbs. I swear I thought she was at least 21 pounds, so this means she has only gained a pound and a half in the last 3 months. The child is eating so much, even when I give her food and she seems to be full she'll be begging for more food 15 minutes later. So she's now in the 10-25% of toddlers her age and the doctor isn't worried, but still she eats more than me sometimes (it really does seem that way)!!! Last night when we went to an Iftar party all Foo was doing was eating and crying (she's still going through that attachment phase) there were other children around as well as a 11 month old boy. Both Foo and the 11 month old were born 5 weeks early, but this baby is much bigger and from what I witnessed was only interested in milk, not solid food. Earlier in the day Foo had her 12 month set of shots (late, whoops) the nurse weighed her and took her measurements, she was concerned about her size and suggested we go see a nutritionist. I really don't think she was listening when we told her how much the Foo eats, how often she eats and what she eats. Still, inshAllah I'll make an appointment with the nutritionist, it'll be good for all of us. Just out of pure curiosity for all those people who read my blog and have kids, how much did your child weigh at 1yr?

Guess Who I Saw at the Mosque Yesterday

It was the old neighbour's grandmother. I didn't recognize her at all, maybe since I haven't seen her in 6 months or maybe because I'm trying to forget the last year living in Burnaby. She was nice enough, asked me how the new place was and how my daughter was, I told her I was pregnant, but that's as far as our conversation went since she doesn't speak English and my Arabic is limited. It was kind of awkward since I really don't know how much her "wonderful" grandson has told her, you know family has to stick up for each other so in the back of my mind I was thinking "I wonder if this woman dislikes me now ?" Well at least I didn't hear the usual "you should come over sometime" (this was a common thing to hear from people who barely know you, or anything about you such as your address or phone number and is purely lip service). I told DH and he said "oh I thought I saw her husband on the men's side" I guess they didn't get to talking. Hmm.

The mosque itself was a change from the ones I had been to before, it's simply just a rented hall for Jummah prayers and the women's area is a small square surrounded by tables and tarp to separate the men from the women. The only thing I didn't like about the set up is you can't see the Imam at all, I mean this is someone who the community (men and women) are supposed to go to for their questions, family problems, etc. How are you supposed to seek help to these questions/problems if you don't know what the Imam looks like? This Mosque is probably way more culturally diverse (especially the women) than any other I've been to, but still you can see the cliques, even if they are in smaller groups, they still exist. Going to the mosque really makes you realise how mentally behind us Muslims really are, and I'm not proud to say it at all, it's like we're stuck in another generation and everyone else has advanced. Islam put us forward for so many centuries and Muslims have been putting us back, I don't know if this is a cultural influence or simply the fear of becoming too much like the "kafir". There is a severe lack of organization and dawah going on as well as the obsession that women must stay at home all day and raise the kids (there is more to raising kids than staying at home, etc). It was sad to hear, upon telling my husband about all the non religious community activities and volunteer opportunities that were offered to me as a child was really something the mosques should be offering kids nowadays. We wonder why our youth are straying. I really pray that with each generation things get better.

Happy Ramadan

Ramadan starts tomorrow, as it seems mostly every other country around the world has chosen tomorrow to fast, nice to see us Muslims all agree on it this year ;). I can't fast, I couldn't fast last year either, but for some reason it feels stranger now than it did before. The feeling of excitement for this month is there I felt it yesterday and had the urge to stock up my fridge and pantry with food so I can do as little grocery shopping as possible ( I feel weird grocery shopping during Ramadan....yea I know I don't know where I get it from ). I've decided to follow through with some goals I've had for a while now and I'm starting today inshAllah:
1) Start going to the mosque (this one will be today...inshAllah all goes well)
2) Go to a few Halaqas (if they offer them during Ramadan)
3) Read a chapter of the Quran each day (your supposed to during Ramadan anyway)
4) Stop being so lazy
5) Get back into shopping smartly
6) Watch as little TV as possible (I'm kind of cheating here, since we still haven't ordered cable)
7) And most importantly praying, I lost myself and I let people tell me (directly or indirectly) that they were better than me when I stopped praying regularly.
I'd like to hear what other goals people have for Ramadan or if you have a suggestion for my list I'd love to hear it. Happy Ramadan everyone!